I’m Sick of Bare Minimum Relationships
We all know the types of relationships we’ve been told to avoid. The toxic ones. The borderline abusive ones. The abusive ones. The one where you’re constantly chasing them. The ones where you’re always living in their ex’s shadow. You know what I’m talking about. But I don’t see many people talk about the bare minimum relationships. The relationship where your partner gives you just enough to keep you around waiting for a deeper connection.
Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about the people that stay in a relationship because their partner meets one small need that is often just common decency. Things as small as their partner hasn’t cheated, or that their partner is a good parent/stepparent, or (my all-time favorite) that they don’t feel they could do better while listing all the ways their partners make them feel like trash in the same breath. In my opinion, these are not the makings of a stable and healthy relationship.
I want to focus specifically on relationships that are years in and stuck on the same disconnections. It’s unfathomable to me that a person should have to repeatedly express the same needs they’ve expressed back in the early stages of the relationship years later. Don’t get me wrong, I know for a fact that you’ll probably have the same conversation with your partner over and over again until something clicks but under no circumstances should you have that conversation in the exact same context more than 3 times. While people are absolutely clueless, they’re also built to learn. Someone who chooses to ignore your needs is doing so deliberately.
My biggest pet peeve is watching people accept these trash relationships as karma repaying them for their past or because they’re afraid of starting over. I’m beginning to realize the truth is that they’re just too lazy to do the self-work to better themselves. If you’re stuck in the belief that love doesn’t exist because you’ve never experienced it yourself or that you deserve the terrible relationship you’re in, take a moment to consider what work you’ve done to release yourself from that mentality. If the answer is none, or you’re expecting someone to come into your life to release you from that mentality, then there’s no one to blame for the situation you’re in but yourself.
Then they drag all of that energy into every inch of their lives. Plaguing their friends and family with complaints about their partner and their stagnant lives while refusing to take advice or defending the relationship. Not to mention the children who become a flex tape type fix to a bad relationship being added into another loveless relationship. As the product of one of those relationships and the collateral damage in the ones that followed, I promise you you’re kids are suffering or are going to suffer more if they grow up watching you accept the bare minimum when it comes to love or just tolerating a partner. That negative energy is transmitted into your everyday life and is put on display in the household. You and your partner start to take out your frustrations on everything around you. Then your kids carry that negativity into their everyday lives and think that’s the normal way to interact with people. It’s a toxic cycle. They’ll be a million times happier if you just learn to peacefully co-parent, and you’ll probably save them a fortune on therapy in the future.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it. For a relationship to work and thrive, YOU need to be aware of your needs and how they can be met by a partner. Obviously, one person will not meet every single one of your needs. But, a romantic partner should absolutely be able to meet all of your romantic needs. If they meet any other needs, consider it an added bonus. That includes the willingness to learn, adapt, and support consensual methods to assure your needs are met within the boundaries you’ve set within your relationship. You should never feel guilted into feeling differently than you do or changing your needs. It is not your job to feed your partner’s ego or tame their lack of confidence in themselves and your relationship.
Now just as you’d expect your partner to meet your needs, you need to be willing to do the same for them. There should also be room for adjustments, honest conversations, and compromise as that list evolves (and it should as you both grow as individuals). In the 9 years, Luis and I have been together, I think my list has either added or removed about 5 needs at least twice a year, probably more now that I’m in therapy 🥴. But no matter how often my needs shift, Luis is always ready to listen, adjust, and make sure those needs are met. At the same time, I do my best to match that energy for him. Another marriage gem for y’all to keep in the guidebook.
This post feels more like a rant than anything else. But, I’m sick of watching people turn into shells of themselves because they choose to accept a bare minimum relationship and are too afraid to do some self-work. When you’re stuck in a relationship like that, you feel stuck in life, and then you just become an angry, flat, and sad version of yourself. The people around you shouldn’t have to mourn the person you used to be before you got into a relationship. Of course, some things about you will change. Still, the person you are at your very core should remain intact and will remain intact so long as you’re in a healthy relationship and not a lesson.
Healthy relationships lack manipulation, constant repetition, feeling disrespected or isolated or abused, coddling or being coddled, avoiding your partner, using your partner solely as a distraction, and the overall feeling of forcing it to work. So leave that basic, bare minimum, lazy shit behind. You deserve storybook romance, but you need to work on yourself first to make sure that happens. So get to it!
